The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
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Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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