Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
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You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
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I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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