Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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