Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
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They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
then he tried to convert me to islam
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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