I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
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I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
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I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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