Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I have feelings that need drinking.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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