when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
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THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
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Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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