My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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