I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
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And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
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Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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