when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
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