Someone shit on the floor
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
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then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
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Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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