you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize