Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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