and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
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Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
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Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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