just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
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Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
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All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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