She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
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The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
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I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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