then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
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Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
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Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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