Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
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We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I think a kid would responsible me up
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and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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