I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
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And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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