I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
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So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
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He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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