how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
there was a trapeze. enough said
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
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