Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
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Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
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I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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