after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
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I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
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Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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