i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Randomize