I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
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My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
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One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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