If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
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Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
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So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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