i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
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Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
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I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
so much tequila, so little girl.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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