shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
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What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
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An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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