neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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