Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
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Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
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I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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