This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
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