I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
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The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
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If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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