Can Purell be used as lube?
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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