3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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