I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
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He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
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Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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