I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I think my fart just growled at me.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
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Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
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I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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