my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
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His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
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dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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