Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
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My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
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I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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