ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
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DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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