i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
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She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
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He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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