Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
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A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
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Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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