Plan B is the new Plan A
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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