Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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