you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
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WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
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Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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