Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
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And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
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Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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