I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
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everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
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You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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