but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
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Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
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I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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