did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
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After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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