the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
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I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
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Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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