I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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